Monday, September 21, 2015


When my cancer came back last year I went to a dark place. I just knew my life was over. I had thought that the surgery removed all of the cancer. For almost a year I was in a happy place. Then news of cancer spots on my liver scared the shit out of me. Now I am on chemo-therapy for life.

At first is was horrible. The meds made me crazy. I could not remember things. My wife said it was like I wasn’t there all the time. There were blisters on my feet, numbness in my hands and feet and the sensitivity to cold was the worst, especially since I started all this in January. When I would drive my car, it was like all I could do to keep it on the road. There was not much nausea but I was never very hungry. I slept a lot, too. My infusions were three to four hours every three weeks. Not painful but very boring.

My next CT scan was a surprise. Not only had my tumors not gotten any bigger but had actually shrank. We were elated. The doctor took me off most of the medications that caused the worst side effects. I would just on massive doses of on medication in tablets and one thirty minute infusion every three weeks. But I was still have memory issues and sleeping quite a bit. The doctor took me off of the tablets and left me with the infusion. I have felt a lot more like myself since then.

I had to relearn a lot of things most people take for granted. Showering and falling asleep at night seemed all new to me. I know it is strange but that is how it felt.

I have another CT scan scheduled in October. Fear is creeping up on me again. What if the tumor grows? I might have to go on another type of infusion. The doctor said I might have to get a “port”, a surgically implanted needle with an exposed piece that they can hook to a portable device. I would have to use this device two hours a day and go in every two weeks to get it refilled. This terrifies me.

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