Cancer still sucks and a failure.

Well, the failure was that I would blog my experiences in chemo-therapy. Oh well.

I am just not much of a communicator. Emotions are not shared and I hate pity.

I am half-way through my chemo-therapy and I feel depressed. I hate it. It makes me feel terrible and I hurt all the time. Can't take anything as that would thin my blood too much. And four to five hours of sitting at the doctor's office during my infusion it too much and painful too. The cold sensitivity lasted much longer this time. I hope it goes away soon.

Cannot wait to be done. One way or the other.

Days 2 and 3 of the rest of my life

Yesterday, I worked from home because I had a meeting scheduled with the nurse(s) that would be administering my chemotherapy. Worked a little. Watched a movie online, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. It was pretty good. Kept my mind from thinking about my cancer. If I think about it I just spiral into self pity and runaway emotions. Not something I like to do.

The meeting went well. Got a lot of information. They keep talking about the side effects. I am not sure if they harp on them because they will happen or if they are doing it to manage my expectations. I am such a cynic. Lots of reading to do.

Today, I went into the office. Christmas Eve. I got some work done though only one of the development team was there besides me. It was harder not to think about my cancer. It makes the little boy in me want to run away as fast a he can. He is usually close to the surface. He give me my sense of wonder and enjoyment of games. Rough day. Well some friends are coming over to bring us some goodies. I just hope I can hold it together for Christmas at my wife's sister's house.

The first day of the rest of my life

Today, my cancer came back. I suppose I should start at the beginning.

I was diagnosed with cancer of the colon in February of 2013, two days after I was hired at my current job. I had surgery to remove part of my colon and several of the lymph nodes in that area. No cancer was found in the lymph nodes and I had no further symptoms. And my oncologist decided not to pursue chemo-therapy.

In November of this year, after a regular visit to my oncologist. He mentioned that my last CT scan showed two spots on my liver. After more scans and a biopsy, he discovered that my old cancer had come back. I will start chemo-therapy as soon as it can be arranged.

What a rotten Christmas present. My wife is taking it well. I suppose I am, too. Though I keep thinking that this will kill me in the end. Sooner or later.

The first chemo-therapy is 4-5 hours of injections. Though, the doctor said I should not lose my hair. I just have to worry about the nausea and possible nerve damage in my fingers and feet. The nerve pain could be triggered by cold. And of course, I live in Colorado and I am starting this in December. Oh, well.

I don't want pity. I was told that keeping a journal could help with the process. So here I am.

The Republican leadership does not represent me.

I discovered this article listening to The Mark Levin Show podcast. Since my surgery it has been hard to catch up, hence, this is from Mark's show from February 21st, 2013. The author lays out why the Republican party leadership does not represent the majority of the voters in the Republican party. Love to hear your thoughts.

Boston Marathan Terrorist Attack

I am not religious but my thoughts go out to Boston and especially those who lost loved ones or have injured family members.

Health News

The week I was hired as an employee I was diagnosed with colon cancer during a colonoscopy. Within two weeks I was recovering from surgery where a portion of my colon was removed along with 20 lymph nodes. The good news is that the doctors think that they have gotten all of the cancer. I must be monitored for the next 5 years before I can say I am cancer-free. Things happened so fast that I did not have much time for anything to sink in. It is now three weeks since I was diagnosed. Recovery will take a few months for me to complete. I am relieved that I did not have to have chemotherapy which I expected. Some say I was lucky. Others say prayer saved me. My personal belief is that I went to the doctor when I discovered blood in my stool and the doctor suggested a colonoscopy. And the doctor who performed the colonoscopy told me to not waste time in getting a surgeon to removed the tumor that was found. Many men do not see their doctor often enough. I guess men my age, around 50, were raised to ignore pain and hide fear. I think this way of thinking has killed many men.

More on job front

After being on contract for 6 months, I received an offer from the new manager. The old manager moved on to another project with in the company. The new manager is OK. At first she low-balled me but after some discussion and me giving her a copy of my resume she was able to get much closer to the money I was making as a contractor. I accepted the position and am now an employee of the company. I am not sure how I feel about that. My wife likes me being an employee better than a contractor. It is more stable than contracting but I am not sure of the viability of the company and whether I want to be a long term employee of the company. I have challenged myself to see if I can take over the technical lead role of the project. The current technical lead is a nice guy but does not know what a technical lead does. He rarely speaks up in meetings. He answers questions but does not follow through with newer developers. I have been a technical lead off and on for many years and think I could do a much better job. Well, we shall see where this goes from here.